my mom and dad went to suwanee to visit my sister for thanksgiving. my dad, being the rock star that he is sent me pics taken somewhere between dinner and drunk-thirty and i, being the rockstar’s child am passing along the laughs that i got:

apparently my mom and my sisters are witches. from this picture you can see they are performing some sort of ritual where my brother-in-law, ashley dances around with his shirt open. ummm, yeah.

my brothers-in-law, ashley and phillip, in awe of the magnificent blessings that are beer.

my mom and dad with my nephew, Lane. seriously people, this child is the most beautiful child ever. your nieces and nephews pale in comparison to this kid.

take advantage of my friends by buying and then denying you bought a beer and a pack of smokes on their bar tab. come on! it was the equivalent of six dollars and a lifetime of trust.

in a conversation with ’splodey yesterday he described me as a spitfire and flaky. the sptifire description i can certainly accept with open arms, but it was the flaky adjective that made me stop and think. i am a shitty friend. did you guys know that? well, yes, i am. on more than one occassion i have committed myself to plans with friends and have backed out for reasons that seem perfectly acceptable to me but not to anyone else. take last night for example: i was supposed to go and eat dinner with kev, ej and her brother and mother at PF Gags. for the past week i have been battling a headache that just sits in the base of my skull and increases pressure at involuntary moments. when i got home last night i was reduced to tears because my head hurt so bad. i told kev that i didn’t feel up to going out and he just looked at me like i murdered his cat, which made me feel even worse. i know i probably should have just sucked it up and went but what fun could i have possibly been?
this morning i asked kev if ej was upset with me and he replied, “yeah. there was nothing i could say to make her feel any different”. great. so here i am on thanksgiving day feeling like an absolute shithead.
and i still have a headache.

thanksgiving - a time when we celebrate the robbing of land from the indians by being gluttonous pigs gathering around a huge, hormone injected bird. what fun! don’t get me wrong, hanging out with family is nice and having the time off of work is even better but come on! do you think the indians celebrate this time of year? probably not.

during my lunch i sat outside to enjoy the beautiful fall weather. a little girl dressed in a make-shift indian dress was walking with her dad. i was tempted to ask her “did any pilgrims give you smallpox today?”. i probably would have if i knew i could get away with it without being punched in the face.

enjoy your thanksgiving and be thankful you’re not a pilgrim. or an indian. or have smallpox.

i found this on The Brick Testament a website that tells the stories of the bible using legos. i have included the bible verse that accompanies the picture along with my interpretation. of course, mine is in bold because i am a heathen.

Leviticus 15:19
‘Whenever a woman has her menstrual period, she will remain in a state of menstrual pollution for seven days.’
the gospel according to elizabeth:
‘what?! seven days? so does that mean my ozone layer is depleting?’

Leviticus 15:19
‘Anyone who touches her will be unclean until evening.’
the gospel according to elizabeth:
‘alright! no one touch me! i’m riding the cotton pony!’

Leviticus 15:22
‘Anyone who touches anything she sat on…’
the gospel according to elizabeth:
‘honey, you know your favorite place on the sofa? yeah, well don’t sit there. or the use the toilet. actually, just get a hotel room.’

Leviticus 15:22
‘…must wash clothing and body, and will be unclean until evening.’
the gospel according to elizabeth:
‘great! you got your polluted self all over me!’

Leviticus 15:24
‘If a man goes so far as to have intercourse with her…’
the gospel according to elizabeth:
‘he will surely burn in hell for all eternity…or be forced to go to the drugstore to buy her tampax and chocolate’

Leviticus 15:24
‘…he will contract her menstrual pollution, and will be unclean for seven days. Any bed he lies on will be unclean.’
the gospel according to elizabeth:
‘well it beats chlamydia’

Leviticus 15:28
‘When she becomes clean of her discharge, she shall count off seven days. After that, she will be clean.’
the gospel according to elizabeth:
‘yay! i’m no longer unclean and a burden to those around me!’

i’m pissed off. my dad sent me this article written by Fred Reed, a police reporter in Washington, regarding reparations for blacks. now before everyone goes and gets all huffy let me say that if you want to discuss this like rational and civilized adults bring it on, otherwise nasty comments about me and the great white power will be deleted and i will hunt you down and kick you in the throat.

okay, where was i? yes, reparations for blacks: i find it bizarre that some of the black population is demanding money for something that was done centuries ago. frankly, i don’t own a slave, my dad doesn’t own one, my grandfather didn’t own one, and in fact, my family came from ireland and wales and i think they were house servants or potato farmers. obviously, not rich enough to own a slave. every afternoon during my lunch hour i walk around downtown and every afternoon there is a black man, in his early forties, standing on the corner with a big sign reading: Reparations Now!. i have been tempted on several occassions to stop and ask if he was a slave. the answer most certainly would be “no”. often i have sat outside the harbert plaza talking on my cellphone and i have been interrupted by a black person asking for a handout.

i attended a public school where i was the minority. i remember clearly when i received a 26 on my ACT and my black classmates were amazed. i am awful at math but i worked my butt off in algebra II one year and made the A Honor Roll - the blacks in my class called me a teacher’s pet. everything i have i earned. i never asked for a handout. i never reported to the welfare office.

don’t get me wrong, i have plenty a friends who are black that are incredibly gifted, intelligent and work hard. my friend christophe for example, is attending medical school, plays a mean piano and is the most wonderful person i know. he is the exception to the rule.

here’s an idea: study hard, work harder, succeed in life. stop looking for people to do things for you. you are not owed anything but a swift kick in the ass. make your own dreams come true. a note to black parents: if this is what you want your children to aspire to you need to be drug to a field and shot. be a role model. if you had your kids at 15 and 16 years old, are on welfare, deal drugs, listen to shitty cop-killing, drug endorsing music, then your kids will too. lead by example. most of all stop depending on everyone else to do things for you. i’m tired of my tax dollars supporting your crack habit and thirteen kids.

here are some pictures i have been meaning to clean off of my camera. most of them have notes so click on them for a better view. yeah!

its gonna get icky in here for a moment so just bear with me. i want to tell you guys how awesome kev is, seriously, cos lord knows i don’t do it enough.
things i love/hate about kev:

• his smell - even when he hasn’t showered i want to roll up in that masculine, dorky smell
• he can do anything: wire the tv, hang blinds, console my silly ass
• he loves cats
• he loves my dogs
• he thinks i am hilarious
• he thinks i’m pretty
• the boy can cook
• those green eyes
• buddha belly yumminess
• the cutest butt in the metro area
• he lets me be the dorky, overbearing ‘tard that i am
• he embraces my dorky, overbearing, ‘tard ways
• “don’t think, just breathe”
• he is the best bed wrestler
• he plays with my hair
• my love for him is greater than anyone that i have ever loved
• he knows how much of a shithead i am and loves me anyway
• his taste in music
• when he sings in the car
• he has an odd past that makes him uber sexy
• he has more experience than i do
• he makes me laugh - and i mean, serious, gut busting laughing

i love you honeybears. always have, always will. i know i can be the world’s worst wife sometimes but you make everday worth living. oh good lord, i’m shedding a tear writing this…how fucking dorky can i get!

there were plenty of “squee” moments on friday night. sarah and i were acting like school girls going to our first New Kids On The Block concert complete with excited jibbering and bouncing around. the weasley twins were absolutely adorable, especially in the study hall scene, when fredgeorge mouthed to angelina “do you want to go to the ball with me?”. i just grinned and quivered.

due to a horrific menstrual cycle and a migraine to match, i did not watch the iron bowl on saturday. i know, i know, i deserve to go to hell, but people when you have cramps as bad as i do the only thing you want to do is lie in bed and wish for death. kev made the awesomest chili ever and i had a large bowl with crackers. mmmm chili farts!

this week kev and i might have a surprise for you all. i’ll give you a hint: alan alda at 45 MPH. you guys are never going to guess. bwahahaha!

that is Dazzle, a greyhound who lives with some very cool auburn fans.

i went to mickey d’s this morning to get my usual cholesterol on a biscuit. as i was waiting in line, a white woman with an auburn shirt on and a black woman with an alabama shirt got into it right there at the counter. they were about four insults away from throwin’ down. it was beautiful. the verbal assaults ranged from alabama’s obsession with a dead man to pat dye’s stumpy little legs. regardless of my affiliation i had to agree with both of them.

anyone care to go somewhere and watch the game? you guys can come over and watch the flat screen if you want. i’ll even cook.