today has been one tragedy after another and boy do i heart tragedy. i would wallow in a large vat of tragedy if tragedy was tangible. (please read the following sentences as “if one more fucking thing happens i might throw myself into oncoming traffic during rush hour on interstate 65. i am a very cranky girl and i reeeeaaally do not heart tragedy. tragedy should be drug out into a field and shot and then mounted to my hood so that i might mock it.”) one upside to this entire day is that kev picked up the keys to the house and we will be heading over there tonight to plan our inevitable if not extremely slow move in. jennybean, flip and dmoney will accompany us and i can’t wait to ramble on about all the cool things i have planned.

so you must be frantic to know what this tragedy i speak of is. wait, did i just end a sentance with a preposition? how utterly wrong of me! i’m too tired to check my grammar. to overemphasize and put in italicized bold CAPS my laziness, today i have bitched non stop about the renovation of the bathrooms here at work and the fact that i have to walk my sad ass two flights of stairs to pee. WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME? why hast thou madeth the toiletries unavailable to your servant when thoust knoweth i am far too lazy to walk anywhere to pee? why hast thou not made a travel urinal available?

my apartment is so full of boxes you can barely walk ten inches without bumping into something. needless to say, living in the pretty helmet household is full of joy! kev and i spent most of saturday in the attic reboxing everything and throwing away stuff that we don’t need i.e. a commodore laptop (which weighed a grand total of 45 pounds), barbie dolls sans heads, stuffed animals won at the fair in 1984, clothes i haven’t touched in three years, etc. sifting through most of the stuff was a walk down memory lane then again most of the time i was yelling “why did my parents keep this stuff?! gawd! there is underwear in here from when i was two!”

for you comic book people we have boxes upon boxes of comics that need to be sold ASAP. i can’t say what we have exactly but if you are interested please email me and i will try and get you a more accurate list.

here is the move schedule for this week:
tuesday: pick up keys and move a few boxes tuesday night
wednesday: move more boxes after work
thursday: take dogs to vet so they won’t eat the movers, movers scheduled for 8:00 a.m., get off work at noon, move more boxes
friday: hopefully no more boxes to move. dish network scheduled to hook us up!
saturday: cry about my poor muscles, take long hot bath in my uber deep tub, hang pictures and unpack boxes.

hey echo, you suck! since you tagged me i felt compelled to do this. also, i too would rather be in bed with your wife cause she’s hawt.

Four jobs you’ve had in your life:
ice cream scooper
drug tester
camp counselor
rockstar! (okay, not really, but gawd i wish i was)

Four movies you could watch over and over:
MST 3000: The Movie
Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban
House of 1000 Corpses
The Legend of Boggy Creek 2: And The Legend Continues (but only the MST 3000 version)

Four television shows you love:
House, MD
Law & Order: Criminal Intent
Scrubs
Law & Order: Rape Victims

Four Places you have lived:
Birmingham, AL (Huffman represent, ya’ll!)
Birmingham, AL (Highland Park)
Albuquerque, NM (but only in the summers)
Homewood, AL

Four places you have been on vacation:
Montego Bay, Jamaica
Nashvegas
Destin
my bed

Four websites you visit daily:
dooce
myspace
flickr
snopes

Four places you would rather be right now:
in my new house
in my bed with kev & the dogs & the kitties
at a bar
in sarah’s pocket

Four bloggers you are tagging:
sarahetc
batonga
rush
fonzy

this will be short and sweet due to the fact that i have approximately 10 minutes until the day is over and gawd! i’m so bored. i’m tired. so tired that i could easily pry my eyes out of their sockets but then you good people wouldn’t be able to say how lovely my eyes are anymore. not that you did in the first place but i’m betting that you’re thinking it. not that i’m a betting man…oh, who cares!
dammitalltohell i forgot to call dish network to set up a transfer of service. note to self: do that tomorrow or perish without TLC, the scifi network and Black Starz. gots to have my Pootie Tang.
anyway, i’ve just been notified that today is thursday. WHAT?!?! YOU’RE JUST NOW TELLING ME THIS?! this weekend will be filled with air masks, latex gloves, drinking at derek’s and noisely pointing out how lame damon’s game is getting. not necessarily in that order and some unnecessarily mixed together.

it is five o’crotch now and i am off to eat Suddenly Salad!.

not to be confused with Suddenly Susan.
or Desperately Seeking Susan.

i’m tired of bitching about how i can’t get into my new house like right now. gawd! and i’m pretty sure you guys are just as tired of hearing me bitch. so in honor of not bitching today and actually smiling like i mean it i give you THE LIST OF NOT BITCHING BUT ACTUALLY JUST PONDERING STUFF SO QUIT YELLING AT ME:

• these dreams - i had the weirdest dream last night about my friend justin who i haven’t spoken to in ages (so, yeah, justin - that is a hint to call me you asshat!). it wasn’t a naughty dream. it was more of a “hey, why is he in here? hey you! guy that got married in Thailand and didn’t bother to tell me: instead of haunting my subconscious why don’t you pick up the phone. fucker.”
• georgification - the hottest bartender in birmingham (and probably the planet) is opening his own bar. the girls and i went to the millgrill for dinner last night and george informed me of his intention of opening a bar called speakeasy in march. this will be the perfect opportunity to drool all over myself at the hunkytatoopiercing goodness that is george. yum.
• note to self - the story about biting that stripper’s boob always kills.
• questionable commentary - recently a new commenter has popped up (hee hee i actually typed “pooped up”. i should have left it that way) on pretty helmet and it is driving me mad as to who it is. hey!, mystery commenter with the name jeebus somethingorrather, who the hell are you? send me an email! maybe we could become BFF.
• i miss you but you still suck - do you remember when i wrote about how i was cleaning out all the unnecessary people in my life? yeah well, even though some of those people truly suck i miss one or two of them. if you are one of those people and you read this and you want to try and be all BFF again (do you see what i have been reduced to? using BFF twice in the same post like i’m a crazy middle schooler writing to river phoenix after seeing his gorgeous picture in Tiger Beat) send me an email or call me…if i don’t respond you will know that i still have your name in my slam book.

.

• i find reasons to drink - thankfully it hasn’t come down to “today ends in ‘y’ pass the vodka!” but i do love to have parties at my place. oh, and i love going to someone else’s house, play poker, drink mad quantities of wine and shoot bottle rockets.
• that ain’t right! - no country song should include the word badonkadonk. and i should never ever please kill me if i do it again stop on CMT.

here is why today is going to suck a big ole donkey dick:

• security deposit on the new house has left us so broke that we might have to eat one of the cats for dinner
• my skirt is generating so much static electricity that it is covered in dust bunnies, dog hair, paper clips and i think i saw a small mexican running around in there.
• two words: my boss
• two more words: what now?!
• TMJ flaring up due to stress so that when i pop my jaw i look like a python gearing up for feeding
• House did not come on last night
• no money = no ladies night at The Grape for me

here are some things that have made me slightly happier recently:

• the only things left to pack in our condo is the attic and the kitchen
• sarah thinks my hair is “fucking gorgeous”
• kenn’s 17 year pregnancy
• cooper’s skin allergy was cleared up with one does of Chlorhexiderm and now she smells so yummy

rush over at the outernet interviewed me last week for his website. oh how i feel so famous! here is the interview:

Okay, maybe she’s not as famous as my last interviewee, but she’s my friend and she’s punkrock, so I thought this time I’d interview elizabeth of Pretty Helmet.

RM : How are you this afternoon?

LF : Feeling well. The “insert animal name here” flu passed our house this year.

RM : Tell me a little about yourself.

LF : I am a 27 year old wannabe rock star. I’m married to my best friend and we have two dogs and three cats. It is a typical zoo at our house.

RM : Do you have anything special going on in your life right now?

LF : My husband and I just found a house and will be moving soon. Once you get married you realize that the “exciting” things in your life just aren’t what they used to be. I remember getting all giddy about going to rock shows and now it’s like hell yeah! We’re getting a new handle for the toilet.

RM : Are you currently involved in any artistic endeavors?

LF : My cousin (who is stationed in Italy) and I are in the process of making a website for our grandma. She’s all kick ass and spends most of her days on the golf course so it is only suitable that she have a blog. We’re just hoping she won’t post those naked pictures of us in the bathtub.

RM : What do you do for a living?

LF : I am in real estate managing one of the tallest buildings in downtown Birmingham. Its not as glamorous as say a hooker but a girl can dream.

RM : If you weren’t doing that, what would you want to be doing?

LF : Besides hooking? Probably graphic design. I went to school for Visual Communications but when I got out there was nothing in the field. I really didn’t have the ability to start my own business so I went into real estate.

RM : Do you have any hobbies that you really enjoy?

LF : I love my cameras like they are my children. In fact, if I had kids I’d be all “no little billy, you can’t have a cookie because mommy is cleaning her lomos”. I also love blogging. It is a very self absorbed hobby and i looooove talking about myself.

RM : Are there any artists you admire who do the same things you like to do?

LF : I admire my dad’s photography skills. While I was growing up he always had a camera attached to his face. I really didn’t know what he looked like until I was around 8 years old.

RM : Do you like children and do you want to have some any time?

LF : Kids are great as long as I can give them back. I would love to have children one day. It will be nice to screw up someone else’s life for a change.

RM : Do you have any big plans for the future you’d like to share?

LF : Other than being the best wife, friend, daughter that I can be, not really. I’ve given up on winning the Nobel Peace Prize and am now aspiring to win Best Bathroom Dancer.

RM : Can I borrow $10 until next payday?

LF : Yes, but there is a five thousand percent interest. Good luck, buster.

after a tumultuous week i received news on friday that almost made me squeal out of pure happiness. we got the house! hey God, did you hear me?! WEGOTTHEHOUSE! so ppppbbblllltt!
saturday afternoon kev and i cleaned out the hall closet and living room and began boxing dvd’s and cd’s. i have this theory when it comes to cleaning out closets and such: if you haven’t touched it in 6 months to a year then get rid of it. i’m talking about clothes, games, books, etc. its all stuff anyway. so now our house looks like a salvation army battlefield but it feels so good to purge this stuff.
saturday evening we went to the in-laws for dinner. yummy! lots of wine was consumed and lots of car auction on Speed was watched.
after dinner we went to kelly and jeremy’s for john’s birthday. much fun was had. much much fun.

i don’t think yesterday could have possibly been any worse. the only good thing about yesterday was my hair and how perfectly awesome it was being.
the contractors came by yesterday and took down the rest of the ceiling so now instead of a hole WE HAVE NO CEILING!
when i got home yesterday i sat in my bathtub and just cried at the whole day.
and today, yeah, it ain’t looking to good.

quick update on Ceiling Disaster ‘06: the contractor came back by today and told kev that the entire ceiling would have to come down. hopefully it will not take longer than a couple of days to complete, but in the meantime we are freezing our asses off at night.

anyhoo…submitted the paperwork for the new house today including a hefty down payment. so far, so good. the carpet still needs to be replaced and the disposal fixed, but nothing major. oh yeah, and that cabinet door that nearly decapitated me, that will need to be dealt with using physical violence. if all goes well in the next few days we will find out when we can move in. prepare for housewarming!

we accept cash, checks and anything from restoration hardware and/or metropolitan deluxe.