a few friday nights ago me and some of my favorite people on the planet went to this little bar in homewood called the red lion. i had been there once before several years ago but it was during my selfish phase (read: i was so drunk most of the time it is amazing how i my liver manages functions at all) and was just trying to placate the guy i was with. when i walked in friday i was not that suprised to see that the decor as well as the patrons had hardly changed.

now, you have to understand that the clientele consists of people whose average age surpasses those who collect social security. don’t get me wrong, my dad used to take me to a bar just like this when i was little. although back then, it was really cute when you asked your five year old to go behind the bar and “get daddy the can with the pretty, blue ribbon it it”.

just to convey the awesomeness that is this bar they have a very realistic version of the Blues Brothers sitting at one of the tables. seriously. and on the table in front of them are two frosty mugs filled with beer and a beer bottle. i begged my friend turner to pose by one of the statues but she declined saying “that is a desecration of the holy church of blues”. in retrospect i couldn’t agree more.

we had a couple of drinks and played the baddest juke box this side of the mason-dixon. where else (other than a waffle house) are you going to find tammy wynette, hank williams, sr., and kris kristopherson in one place? WHERE!!??

so after a few drinks i, being the nosiest person when it comes to public restrooms, decide to go into the back to check out the facilities. holy jesus christ on a stick! it was beautiful. something you would expect in a bar that caters mostly to people who fought in WWII. the ladies restroom was adorned in a 70’s beach theme complete with sea shell toilet seat.

on the sink counter there was a large margarita glass filled with pink sand, more sea shells and a nudie cake topper. in this wonderful piece of art a tiny sign was stuck in the sand that read “Pat’s Sandbox”. well, i don’t know who Pat is but if she is doing what that cake topper was doing i’ll go to any beach with her.

and i certainly cannot leave out the piece de resistance: the hand dryer complete with ultra blowing hose!

i began to wonder to myself if the men’s bathroom was as glorious as the women’s so turner, cat and i decided that this experience needed to be complete. and it was. the men’s room smelled like a retirement home and had photographs of sports heroes on the walls. and in case you are ever in a bar bathroom and want to know just where your sobriety ranks the red lion has you covered.

sometimes you will wonder to yourself “now where can i get a poster that will properly convey how terrible my day is going and that features a small, furry animal in some dire situation?”. again, the red lion’s got your back.

(turner is not a midget, i promise. i kept yelling at her to squat down so i could get the whole poster in the shot.)

so there you have it. a new stomping ground. and it does not smell as bad as the plaza as long as you don’t mind the smell of ben-gay.

a conversation with my mom:
mom: do you remember when you were little the family that lived two doors down from us? the hicks?
me: well mom i don’t remember anyone screwing their sister or making moonshine in the bathtub.
mom: no, the family’s last name was hicks.
me: oh yeah, didn’t they have a collie or something and the husband was always flicking PBR pull tabs into the yard for us to cut our feet on.
mom: yes. well you and the colliers and their grandsons used to swim in the neighbors pool. one of their grandsons is taylor. taylor hicks.

as i grow older this town in slowly closing in one me. i graduated with ruben and now i swam with taylor. though i remember him taking a crap in the pool and they had to shock the water. if only i could have done a drive-by with bo bice.

guess what bitches…it’s sunday and i am blogging. by deductive powers you can tell that i know have sweet, sweet innernets at home. hooray!

here are a couple of photos taken with george, my new Nikon D50. prepare to be dazzled!

now, wasn’t that fun?

my new D50, which i have lovingly named george, is so incredibly awesome. i don’t even want to go to work because i’d rather drive around birmingham looking for interesting things to shoot.
brighthouse will be by today to install our cable modem so i can finally get around to changing that fucking masthead and possibly rework the dimensions on the page so i can add pictures over 400 pixels in width. i know, i know, very exciting stuff. maybe tonight i’ll actually get into that grey goose bottle that kevin got for his birthday. of course, i won’t let kevin have any. i’m greedy like that.
i will not be working the greyhound booth at do dah day this year for reasons beyond my control. i might, however be at do dah day. you’ll be able to recognize me by the CamelBack filled with bourbon and the menthol cigarette dangling out of my mouth. i might even wear my daisy dukes and #8 Dale Jr. wife beater.
yee haw!

can’t talk must take pictures with my awesome new baby:

i had quite a witty post from friday all laid out here and because i was so anxious to rid several of my entries of foul spammers i accidentally deleted my post. fudge nuggets! i won’t attempt to recreate said post because face it, did da vinci try to recreate the mona lisa? ferlinghetti, Coney Island Of The Mind? lucas the Star Wars trilogy?
forget the last one.
a few things that will be totally awesome when it happens:

• where art thou innernets? - this coming friday i will be patiently waiting for the Hellsouth guy to install my DSL. since we moved into the new house we have been without my precious innernet which has resulted in my staring longingly at the phone jack as if to say “why can’t you make a cable modem appear or something? gawd!”
• arts & crafts - living in birmingham has taught me a lot. like how to make a fishing lure out of a PBR can and how to effectively wear my daisy dukes and #8 Dale Earnhardt, Jr. hat so that i can convey the proper amount of white trashiness. the most important lesson of all though is that birmingham, as sleepy as it is, breeds the most wonderful and insightful artisans i have ever encountered. for example: wes frazer, who i met at summer camp when we were 14 or 15, is having an exhibit at rojo thursday night.
  
• if he can’t have you, i guess that no one else will - growing up is painful. being mature and making decisions that will ultimately change you and others puts you in the throws of agony. welcome to nutsville. population: me

say that five times fast

in my large demand yesterday for music i failed to mention a time line. yeah, i needed the music today. actually i needed it four months ago when i threw the original tape away but technically i needed the music today so that i could complete the mix and give it to my friend at lunch. so here is the full set list for streetlight, stratosphere:
jawbreaker - want
pavement - stereo
pavement - a shady lane
cornelius - smoke
pixies - head on
pixies - gouge away
smashing pumpkins - rhinoceros
unwound - unauthorized autobiography
fugazi - full disclosure
guided by voices - watch me jumpstart
starflyer 59 - i drive a lot
starflyer 59 - play the “c” chord
the beatles - something
joe christmas - scrabble girl
my bloody valentine - only shallow
my bloody valentine - when you sleep
the beatles - got to get you into my life
morphine - sharks
morphine - kerouac
jack kerouac, zoot sims and al cohn - the last hotel and some of dharma (could not find to download)
yo la tengo - sugarcube
jawbox - savory
jawbreaker - million (this was deleted due to limited space on the cd)
jets to brazil - sweet avenue (this was deleted due to limited space on the cd)

thanks to all who helped, especially jai who saved me like $4.95 in downloads.

alright guys and gals i am putting you on a mission. because i am a shitty friend and threw away a mixed tape that a very good friend gave to me back when we were younger i am trying to recreate said tape. and, because i am too ashamed to tell said friend of what i did i am reaching out to you wonderful people to bail me out. i need a copy of the following songs sent to me ASAP (listed by title, artist, and album):

1. want - jawbreaker - Unfun
2. the last hotel/some of dharma - jack kerouac, zoot sims and al cohn - The Jack Kerouac Collection
3. full disclosure - fugazi - The Argument
4. scrabble girl - joe christmas - North To The Future
5. something - the beatles
6. got to get you into my life - the beatles

if by the off chance that you guys actually have these tracks i will hug you and pet you and name you “george”.
actually, probably not. i’d rather just buy you a drink.

everyday i have to write what i do at work, how long it takes me and the status of the task i performed. because i hate this activity as it is a waste of perfectly good time where i could be blogging about my glorious hair, i bring you this gem:

now have pity on me and buy me a drink.