three of my favorite people on the planet are moments away from birthing tiny humans. tori will be induced tomorrow, mrs. hutton is due october 9th, and penn is due in september. it has crossed my mind on several occassions that this is some dirty plot to make me envious of procreation, but it is not working. do you hear me?! IT IS NOT WORKING! so you three can enjoy your epidurals without me, cause i don’t know nothin’ bout birthin’ no babies! i am content with watching other women do all the work for me on the discovery channel. no pain, no sweating, no crying and most importantly i get to eat an entire bowl of velveeta shells & cheese during the whole ordeal.

saturday we had a celebration for the impending arrival of penn and davis’ baby, sara jade. it was a glorious affair complete with big bellies, weeping and wistful story telling. and that was just the men.

mrs. hutton and penn show off their tummies. minutes after this photo was taken these two consumed an entire cake.

this, my friends, is a diaper cake. not edible but totally functional. the majority of my time at the party was admiring the craftsmanship of this thing. there are people in the world who are paid to think up whimsical ideas such as this. and i am not one of them. i can’t even make a real cake.

please, someone stop me. the adorable factor of this party was through the roof. at one point i had to go outside and shout obscenities just to feel normal.

when a mommy and a daddy love each other a large bird swoops down, paying no mind to child-restraint laws, and delivers an eight pound attention whore.

the statistics of parents forgetting their child’s name is at an all time high. the solution: monogramming!

davis gives us all reason to believe that he will totally screw up this kid’s life. oh, and he’s wearing a baby’s hat.

congratulations to vic and NHP, mr. and mrs. hutton, and penn and davis. i love you all and totally cannot wait to be the kickass aunt!

i start my photography classes tomorrow. hooray! to get better aquainted with george (my camera, for those of you just joining us) i took some test shots. enjoy.

my parents went to mexico and other than cheap prescription sunglasses and street drugs they brought this back. i think the cross was meant as a joke. at least i hope it was.

this is me and my dad. i was five days old in this photograph. do you see his nose? genetics.

chef earl f. pigg who stands guard in our kitchen. he was my favorite wedding gift.

free to a good home! cat does absolutely nothing but eat, sleep, shit and insist that every roll of toilet paper in the house be ripped to shreds. hates to be “squished” by your friends. loves to wake you up at 3 a.m.

this morning i was approached by a dear fellow blogger regarding a news story that ended up on the front page of The Birmingham News. this article was simply titled Hail To The Queen. go on and read it…i’ll wait right here.

the first thing to come to mind was “how fantastic! a birmingham blogger is being recognized nationally”. this excitement was only dashed by the realization that this article was written by a birmingham native, for birmingham natives to read. and the rub? the rub is that not another single birmingham blogger was mentioned. just this one lady. who happens to have been born and raised in mountain brook.
now i’m not one to be a conspiracy theorist but doesn’t it just seem too convenient that this woman, who has more money than jesus, just happens to have a story written about her little blog? don’t get me wrong, i find her stories funny and quite amusing. however, there are bloggers out there who are actually trying to make birmingham a better place to live. take dre for instance: here is a guy who has dedicated his entire website to informing the general public about cool happenings in birmingham. or wade, who as a former editor for the Post Herald keeps us completely in the know in the way of city council beatdowns and budgetary snafus.

in summation i’ve seen dog turds with better reason for a front page news story. do your research. don’t stop at just one person, because i can guarantee that there are four thousand people better than her.

i have not had the best luck with birth control in the past. especially birth control that you take orally. first, there is the remembering to take it everyday at the same time, otherwise severe, earth shattering nausea and vomiting take place. secondly, while birth control provides a relief to the horrible menstrual cramps it does tend to make me feel slightly…oh what is the word?…fucking nuts! granted i’m a bit off my beam as it is but when i begin to peak into ovulation i turn into the most bitchy, depressed, self-deprecating loser on the planet. yeah, its no party to be around me during that time of the month.

when i went to the OB/GYN i discussed my burning hatred of oral contraceptives with my doctor, she was, as she should have been, most accomodating with a new alternative of birth control. she pulled out a medical journal and began to show me charted evidence of different methods of contraceptive and how they affect women’s hormones. i wanted to hug her because boy howdy do i love charted evidence. in fact, i love anything that proves a point in pictures. so dr. wonderful tells me about this fantastic contraceptive that a. does not require taking orally and b. will totally even out my craziness factor.

and no, it is not a jelly bracelet. presenting, the NuvaRing. my doctor explained how you “shove it up there” once a month and leave it in for 25 days. the Ring, as i like to call it as it projects images of a drowned telepathic girl in a well, releases hormones every day that your system absorbs. it’s hormones are lower than the lowest oral contraceptive on the market. that meaning the side effects of nausea, headaches, dizziness are nill. SOLD! also, unlike the Norplant or other IUDs after the removal of the Ring your chance of getting pregnant soon after are better.

i began the Ring this weekend and so far have not experienced any ill side effects. i am charting everyday on the Ring so that i can determine if this is, in fact, the best course of birth control.

i’m tired and grumpy and it is saturday night. where in the hell has my youth gone? it’s probably selling fruit at on on ramp somewhere in oneonta.

regardless of my grumpiness i have been quite productive with the site this weekend. see? see all the pretty changes i made? it was all for you. don’t say i never did anything for you. if you look over there on the left you can see a new page i added called Me, Myself, & I. it has no relevant information, but i thought to myself: “self, these people don’t know who you are. why don’t you get all creative-like and make a page in honor of your self centeredness.” and then i thought: “is self centerdness even a word? damn it!”

so there.

last weekend i pulled a muscle in my back. how, i have no idea but i’m pretty sure it had something to do with carrying that nuclear warhead to the detonation chamber. so, i took a day and a half off of work simply because breathing was causing pain to shoot through my back. oh, and the ultracets were making me mildly (read: tragically, because aren’t narcotics so much fun to be full of when at work?) sleepy. by thursday i was feeling quite better and was able to make the security guards at my building laugh by performing my version of arm windmills.

this morning i woke up and could barely turn my upper body without wanting to scream in pain and fall to the floor. great! i had a whole friday night planned complete with snobbery, pretentious asshats, and bloggers at art on the rocks. sorry i couldn’t make it everyone. i know you were all panting in anticipation of seeing me.

maybe next time. and maybe i’ll have some ultracets left over.

last friday was ashley’s birthday and we rocked it mexico style at el calzador which loosely translates to “the place where you eat fantastic mexican food and drink way too many margaritas”. or something like that.

ashley receives a cute picture frame. isn’t she adorable? seriously people, this girl has cheekbones i would kill small infants for.

kristie pickett being a goofball. the guy next to her is her fiancee. i’m scared of him.

from left to right: mary, amanda, ricky and randi. amanda makes me giggle.

ashley and her house boy, pedro. um, i mean john.

ashley prepares to be fed birthday flan.

ashley learns not to trust a mexican with a spoonful of flan.

senora party pants digs in.

it was a great birthday party for a wonderful chiquita. ole!

i come home the other day and kev is sitting on the couch without his shirt on and a cold drink in his hand. this was our conversation:

me: why are you sitting on the couch without your shirt on?

kev: i’m waiting on the cops.

oh, that kev. he just knows how to poke fun at rednecks on television.

this is rather graphic and might offend anyone who has a penis, has never been to an ob/gyn or has never seen a vagina up close (i’m talking about you ben!).

yesterday was my favorite (read: totally not my favorite, but rather the most dreaded) day of the year. the day that i get to have some perfect stranger poking around my hoo-hah. because of the the god awful cramping i experience each month i was actually looking forward to this visit because it might a. bring a plethora of drugs my way, or b. find that i have a radioactiove scorpion attached to my ovary that likes to pinch and sting. after discussing my problem to the doctor she took me to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound.

after 5 minutes of having the technician probing me i sit up on my elbows to see her over the sheet and tell her:
“i really feel like a joystick. should i be making noises from space invaders?”

it is 5:45 p.m. on saturday and i haven’t showered or brushed my teeth. what?! i don’t have to if i don’t want to! but, i wil because i’m starting to feel pretty gross. here are some photos that i have taken in the past couple of weeks. enjoy.

these are the koi that live in the pond at my house. if you lean over them they all come to the surface and open their mouths. what little beggars they are. i’ve seen homeless people with better manners.

molly cate, my pretty girl. she is not one to sit still for photos as she would rather lick the lens.

for the past ten days we have been pet sitting this gorgeous girl. her name is joyful and she is. in the mornings she grunts and “roos” whenever i get out of bed.

another photo of joyful. when she isn’t grunting and “rooing” she is usually doing this. lazy whore.

my mom and dad came home from a three week tour of ireland, so we took them out to dinner at surin. this was after two bottles of wine. can’t you see where i get all of my wonderful qualities?

my dad brought this back from ireland. tragically, he would not give it to me.

this is kelly & jeremy. yeah, i want to vomit on their cuteness.

darcia la rosa is so lovely. and she has great earrings.

this was taken at the railyard benefit a few weekends ago. i didn’t have that much fun, but we did invent a new name for the type of music the first band was playing: scretal.

the husband. i don’t post many pictures of him for fear that the whores will try to steal him from me.

damon and derek doing what they do best: making each other miserable.

so, there you go. now i am going back to sitting in my own filth.