things you don’t need to know but will find out anyway because i said so:

• cooper’s birthday was sunday. commence celebration!
• i will spend halloween looking for a house
• jennybean and flip’s wedding was absolutely gorgeous. and someone owes me a $10 bet.
• broken toe + high heels = more lorcets for me!
• i swear i don’t have a problem
• ask me about our low, low prices!
• can you tell that i have nothing of relevance to post about? can you tell that i never post anything relevant?

there. i feel better now.

tomorrow jennybean and flip are tying the knot and i couldn’t be more excited. nothing revs my engine like the words “open bar”. the only downside to this is the shopping fiasco that will take place four hours prior which will leave me crumpled on the floor of a dressing room sobbing and pulling my hair out in clumps. clothes shopping for me is not a fun experience and clothes shopping with me will almost certainly make you want to take a running start off the nearest parking structure. i get grumpy and frustrated and want to punch that chipper little sales girl who asks in her samford sing-song voice “how’s everything going in there?”. more times than not i am polite and respond “fine although i think i left my self-esteem somewhere on your sales floor”.

as creative and imaginative as i think i am you would think that i would have no problem going to a store and picking several items that would work. you thought wrong. if i cannot see an outfit on a mannequin or tied together neatly on a demo hanger then you might as well shoot me with a sedative. i once took my very metrosexual friend andrew with me to help find a dress for a cocktail party and what he picked versus what i would have picked were very different. at one point i came out of the dressing room wearing some frock that had my boobs spilling out and said to him “i’m not sure i’m supposed to show up the host”.

the other day, in preparation for my shpooing endeavor, i decided to check out a couple of websites to get ideas of what to buy. one of the websites i went to was anthropologie. if you are not familiar with this store think of the clothes that you could buy at the thrift store and add about $75 to the price tag.

i think mia farrow wore this in rosemary’s baby. either way it is satanic.	i once had a school uniform that looked like this, of course it was never this god-awful ugly.
mischa barton wore something similiar to this dress and i hated it on her too.	it is really progressive of anthropologie to employ blind people to design their dresses. you can find me in a corner clawing my eyes out after looking at this monstrosity.
hey paw, me and the other ingalls girls are going to go into the dress-makin’ business!	i thought the whole point of paying $175 for a dress was to look good, not like some throw back from M.A.S.H.

i am in no way a fashionista so you can take my snarky comments with a grain of salt. and if by some chance you happen to own one of the dresses above i advise you to get your money back because regardless of how pretty you are these will only make you ugly. and broke.

sarah is so much better than i am. that is why i stole her idea:

Goes like so:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool…

Opening Credits:
“Tommy the Cat” by Primus (apprarently this movie is about getting “pussy”. oh god, please stop me!)

Waking Up:

“Situation Gone Bad” by The Features

First Day At School:

“Dance Hall” by Modest Mouse (helicopter noises actually were present on my first day at school. they were investigating a bomb threat.)

Puppy Love:

“My Humps” by Black Eyed Peas (”whatcha gonna do with all that ass, all that ass inside them jeans?”)

Fight Song:

“For Real” by Okkervil River (”some nights i thirst for real blood, for real knives” how appropriate.)

Breaking Up:

“Supernova” by Liz Phair (if i was breaking up with someone i probably wouldn’t tell them that they could “fuck like a volcano”)

Prom:

“Black Cadillacs” by Modest Mouse

Life is Good:

“White & Nerdy” by Weird Al (i get the feeling that this is my husband’s movie soundtrack)

Driving:

“For Once In Your Life” by The Jealous Sound

Flashback:

“Brick” by Ben Folds Five (funny, i was thinking the same thing)

True Love:

“Emergency! Emergency!” by The Promise Ring (”sometimes i wake up early just to tell you goodbye”)

Wedding:

“Last Song On the Blue Tape” by The Reindeer Section (sarah, i think i have you beaten on the emo-est wedding song evah!)

Moment of Triumph:

“Feed The Tree” by Belly (this will be a movie based on 90’s alt-rocker one hit wonders)

Death Scene:

“Alone Down There” by Modest Mouse (i dare you to pick a better song. I DARE YOU!)

Funeral Song:

“Long Distance Drunk” by Modest Mouse (well it is probably how i died)

End Credits:

“Empty Baseball Park” by Whiskeytown

so there. have at it and make fun of the fact that all i have in my ipod is modest mouse.

i resurrect Friday Five Photo:

why yes, i do take pictures of myself in the bathroom. of course, i would never do it while using the bathroom. you are sick, sick people.

the view from my office. i bet my view could totally kick your view’s ass.

this is what is leftover from lunch. i swear that bowl is not mine. i have taste.

this the crap under my desk that i am constantly kicking. the embassy suites slippers are for when my feet get tired. the yardstick is for poking people.

7-1. don’t get me started about how anal i am about putting my “W” on my track sheet.

in all my 28 years i have only had one broken bone. i was a precocious three year old trying to open a window when said window shut on my thumb. i was in a cast up to my armpit for two months. to this day i still cannot bend my thumb all the way.

this past wednesday i was feeling quite ill with a cold and headed downstairs to grab a glass of juice when my pinkie toe on my left foot decided it was absolutely not going to go where i was. a coup was staged and my little pinkie toe caught on the carpet and bent all the way backwards. the worst sound in the world is that of a bone breaking in half. at first i thought i just jammed it but 30 minutes proved something was amiss. i knew very well that there was nothing i could do…they just don’t make tiny casts, but i was deadset on going to the doctor just to prove that it was broken. after six x-rays the doctor came in and proved that i was right…it was broken. the doctor went ahead and gave me pain meds and checked the wheezing and coughing from the cold. hey, when it rains it pours.

thursday i stayed home to rest up in hopes that i could return to work on friday. i even picked up a pair of crutches from the local pharmacy as walking further than my couch to the kitchen was quite painful. on friday i returned to work maneuvering the crutches like crazed metal appendages. it seemed that using the crutches were much more of a pain than the actual broken bone. i could’nt take my pain meds while at work because they make me so sleepy so i tried to tough it out by taking eight ibuprofens to no avail. around 1:00 p.m. my toe had had enough and was beginning to talk my foot into joining the pain game so i went home.

for the past three days my toe has taken on the image of a grape. today it is a little better. not nearly as swollen. they don’t call me “grace” for nothing.

not so much a grape as it is a raisin

the underside of the evil pinkie toe

the bulge in the toe is due to swelling around the broken joint

about seven years ago my boyfriend of four years and i broke up. he began dating someone shortly thereafter and i became crazy. i wasn’t eating, i wasn’t sleeping, i would sit in my room or lie on the couch and sob. i became listless. at lunch one day my mother threatened that if i didn’t eat soon that she would put me in the hospital and have tubes shoved down my throat. it was at that point that i began to see a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with depression and an attachment disorder. now, the depression was apparent but the attachement disorder was something that i thought only children who were beaten had. mine was the opposite…i was too attached. i began a regiment of 150mg of zoloft (an SSRI) daily and weekly therapy sessions. i began to make great progress.

here i am now, happy and well adjusted. the only wrench is the daily dosing of zoloft. having to depend on pills to feel normal is not normal. when i began taking the zoloft i was under the impression that it would be temporary. no one told me the addictive qualities that one little pill hold. i am chained to a chemical reaction. and don’t think that i haven’t tried to stop taking them. i have. the result is a downward spiral of nausea, dizziness, blinding headaches, and “brain shivers“. the author of crazymeds.com gave the best summation of coming off of SSRI’s:

Mouse and I have kicked opiates and we have kicked SSRIs cold turkey. We’ll take the opiate kick.

of course no one should quit cold turkey. that is stupid not to say dangerous. being of the quasi-intelligent percentage of the world i contacted my doctor and explained to her how much i hated taking zoloft. she suggested beginning a tapering off method that had me skipping my dose every other day for a week and then skipping two doses every two days for the second week and so on.

yesterday was my first full 24 hours without zoloft. the longest i had been without my meds before then was maybe eight hours and that was grueling. i understood that i would experience withdrawals. what i did not expect was the vomiting and fatigue bordering on unconsciousness. needless to say i called the doctor back and said that this was not going to work, that she would need to figure something else out. so, now we are on a full pill one day half pill every other day.

if you see me walking in the middle of I-65 please don’t attempt to capture me. simply call the local white coats to pick my crazy ass up.

presenting, in all of his adorable glory: sawyer hutton!

sawyer, one hour old.

sawyer says: power to the people!

holy jesus, the knees! those adorable, squishy, wrinkley knees!

yes, i am a pseudo-aunt. i spent eight hours in the hospital on friday just to experience the wonder of this child. he has his mom’s eyes and his dad’s chin. atleast i think that is his dad’s chin…you really can’t tell under the goatee. not the baby’s goatee. but wouldn’t that be funny.
anyhoo, 6 lbs. 13 oz., 19.5 inches long, big fat head, and absolutely wonderful. congrats to mr. and mrs. hutton, the grandparents, and everyone else who has long awaited this kid.

i know as of late i have been a plethora of bitchiness and i am sorry. this post will not be any better. last night i came home from my SoHIP meeting and immediately threw up everything i had consumed during the day. my head was splitting in ten directions and the waves of nausea were nothing to laugh at. the neighbors dogs were barking at nothing and only increasing the pounding in my head with every yip. i opened the french doors off of our bedroom and yelled as loudly as i could without passing out “shut up!”. they did.

this morning i woke up and felt a little better, however as i type this i want to throw up again. i have tried drinking sprite and water to quell the nausea to no avail. and now i have a new symptom: shaking. not full body convulsions but rather shaking hands and knees.

time to call the doctor.

monday was my birthday and i celebrated by eating BBQ in my pajamas and catching up on missed television. yes, i am that lame. work has me so busy lately that i find myself crashing on the couch the minute i arrive home. this sucks because the husband is losing out and so are the dogs. i am too tired to go romping in the yard with the pups which only increases their hyperactivity in the house. the result is me yelling at them to calm down. i feel so guilty. if anyone can suggest some safe “uppers” i would gladly take them. and no, meth is not an option. well, for right now.

so here is the loot i scored for the birthday:

• the coveted iPod nano - so awesome i can’t function. thanks honeybears!
• $50 bones from mom and dad - more than likely going towards buying accessories for the iPod
• an Entertainment book from mom and dad - my parents’ favorite saying is “hey, do we have a coupon for that?”
• lunch with d-rock and turner at mellow mushroom
• drinks with kel and jeremy and melpel and brit
• not a baby - thanks mrs. hutton, you dashed my dreams of adding one more person born on 10/02 to take over the world! you bitch.
• many birthday wishes far and wide

thanks to everyone.

now i am one of the cool kids. hooray!

if you need me i’ll be uploading all of my modest mouse cd’s. and laughing maniacally because you don’t have one.
yeah, i’m that petty.