heading to the ATL tomorrow to visit my aunt. while there i will be be lying in the bottom of a closet trying to prove that yes, my family tree has more than three branches. seriously. apparently no one on my dad’s side of the family has drawn out our family tree. they were all too busy drinking and getting electrocuted. seriously seriously.

in honor of my singular drive to the big queasy (as the sweltering air conjures my stomach into a hateful fit of fire) i bring you my play list that i created entitled “Lost City of Atlanta”. yeah i know, not obscure enough.

1. Road To Nowhere - Talking Heads
2. I Drive Alot - Starflyer 59
3. Come Pick Me Up - Ryan Adams
4. Make Me A Chevy - The Promise Ring
5. Blame It On The Tetons - Modest Mouse
6. Last Song On The Blue Tape - Reindeer Section
7. Truckers Atlas - Modest Mouse
8. El Paso - Marty Robbins
9. A Little Respect - Erasure cover by Wheatus
10. Ono Soul - Thurston Moore
11. Lucky Denver Mint - Jimmy Eat World
12. Pensacola - Joleen
13. Lyric - Zwan
14. Psycho Kiler - Talking Heads
15. Scrabble Girl - Joe Christmas
16. New/Improved! - Six Going On Seven
17. The Only Living Boy In New York - Simon & Garfunkel
18. Bartering Lines - Ryan Adams
19. April Fools - Rufus Wainwright
20. Styrofoam Boots - Modest Mouse
21. Portions For Foxes - Rilo Kiley
22. Golden Boys - Res
23. Four Leaf Clover - Old 97’s
24. Police Police Me - Hey Mercedes
25. Sad Sweetheart of the Rodeo - Harvey Danger
26. Watch Me Jumpstart - Guided By Voices
27. Mouthful of Cavities - Blind Melon
28. Hoodoo Voodoo - Billy Bragg & Wilco
29. Stolen Car - Beth Orton
30. All Things Ordinary - The Anniversary
31. Start Choppin’ - Dinosaur Jr.

for those of you playing the home version these songs were picked for their catchy guitar solo and/or for the fact that i can sing the words at the top of my lungs.
i’ll see most of you for the 4th of july. for those i won’t you’ll just have to pretend you’re hanging out with me. or not. i’m not much fun these days.

friday night i met up with my “little brother” john russell and his wife sarah to have many drinks. during the course of the evening i felt my alcohol level slowly drift somewhere between shitty and just plain mean. i think i said some things to a friend of mine that would have been construed as a reason to punch me in the mouth. also, in the same evening i ended up crying…why, i have no idea. it was probably something to do with the fact that i am a sad drunk.

the events of friday night led me to the conclusion that i just need to stop drinking. i am no good to anyone when i’ve been drinking. i sound like a complete idiot which is only slightly different than sounding like a total idiot when i’m sober. i am mean to people who i normally would be really nice to. when i asked a girl how old she was and she responded “23″ i vaguely remember telling her that she really needed to stop taking fashion cues from avril lavigne. wait, what? see. a perfect stranger and i was a complete bitch to her.

as much as i will miss getting completely shnockered and making an ass out of myself i won’t miss the raging headaches, the wanting to puke constantly, the weight gain that has settled around my midsection, not to mention the guilt that i might have done something completely out of character. so there you have it. pretty helmet will now begin sober programming.

this could turn out to be disastrous.

saturday night. speakeasy. 1920 3rd avenue north. one year anniversary. be there bitches.

several of us will be attending in our best wear. you should too. help george celebrate.

i walk into roly poly on tuesday to pick up some lunch and a well dressed man is standing at the cash register yelling at the girl taking orders. and not just yelling but blessing her out six ways to sunday. i think every other word out of his mouth was “fuck”. apparently they didn’t have his lunch order ready the precise moment he walked in the door thus his barrage of profanity.

i have worked in the service industry and can say first hand that it is comparable to being gouged in the eye with a hot poker. you constantly have to be polite regardless if the people you are serving are hitler, castro and mussolini. and even if you are all sunshine and rainbows that does not guarantee that you will make any money. on one occassion i had served a table for three exhausting hours. it was a group of men, very well dressed, much like the aforementioned roly poly customer, and all they did was drink chevis on the rocks and eat appetizers. at the end of their meal i left their check on the table to pay. when i returned to collect their money they were gone. much to my horror they did not leave any money to cover their bill. in cases like that it is customary that the server pay the customer’s bill out of pocket. while i was not verbally assaulted i felt completely used. i had spent three hours playing nice and promptly bringing everything they ordered. i wanted to hunt them down and haul their weasley butts back in.

waiting tables, tending bar, etc. is a thankless job. though you may get tipped at most of your tables you are never compensated fully. that is why to this day i am a huge tipper. i go out of my way to make sure that the person serving my food and drinks know that i am appreciative of their assistance. in fact, i would like to take this opportunity to thank a few people who work tirelessly to make sure i am happy when i visit their establishments:

• george at speakeasy
• becca at speakeasy
• chris at the plaza
• phil at the plaza
• marissa at subway
• wanda at wall street deli
• “E” at mcdonald’s
• that really nice barista lady at starbuck’s

if you haven’t met these people, you should. and tip them well. for some of these people, this is their livelihood.

last thursday i set out to albuquerque, nm to visit my family. my nana lives there as do my mom’s five brothers and sisters. my mom and dad were there visiting as well. it had been atleast 2 1/2 years since i had seen my nana and probably 10 years or so since i had seen the rest of my family so you can imagine my excitement to get there. as usual, my first flight had a stop-over in dallas/ft. worth, the sweaty armpit of hell. granted i have never been outside of the airport complex in dallas/ft. worth so i am just basing my opinion of the city on how they run their air control tower. i’m fairly sure they have a bunch of retarded monkeys running the airport. as our plane to albuquerque taxied onto the runway we were informed by captain oblivion that we were 12th in line to depart and it would be moments before we were in the air. i should’ve called “shenanigans!” when i heard that announcement. two hours and a crying fit later we were airborn. note to self: american airlines can eat my ass. when the stewardess finally came around with the drinks and stale peanuts i quickly ordered a vodka straight. she took one look at my tear streaked face and gave me back my $5 payment. the fat man i was squeezed against gave me a tsk-tsk look and i wanted to shout “they don’t fucking serve valium! it’s the next best thing, asshat!”

once i arrived in albuquerque i all but ran over every idiot to get off that plane. the minute i arrived at the baggage claim i heard my name over the loudspeaker. i threw up my arms and said “WHAT NOW GOD?!”. apparently my luggage decided it would go to salt lake city. for what reason, i can only guess to become a polygamist and marry a whole slew of other luggage.

you would think that with all that happened just getting to albuquerque only bad things would happen for the rest of the trip. nope. i had a great time hanging out with my family. i finally got to meet my twin cousins, valerie and neecie. my other cousin, marshall, looks like i did at his age: long hair, all angsty, finding new ways to shock the shit out of his parents with odd music tastes. we went to Old Town and got some culture, we blew bubbles with the twins, i drank wine with my uncle and dad, talked about my Pa (grandfather) and how incredibly awesome he was, looked at old photos of my nana, talked about how my mom was not the perfect angel she claims to be. in fact, she was downright mean to her brothers and sisters. we reminisced about the poltergeist that took up residence in the house back in the 60’s and how it was quite conceivable that it was back and reaking havoc on my dad’s laptop. i tried to teach the twins how to say “ya’ll” but they were not having it. all in all it was the best time i have had in years. i miss them all terribly.

San Filipe de Neri Church in Old Town

inside the San Filpe de Neri Church

a tree in the back lot of San Filipe de Neri Church. the caretaker who showed this tree to me was really nice, but a little clingy. i didn’t know if he had the hots for my nana or if he just wanted a tip

my dad playing around with a death mask

my nana has a cherry tree and peach tree in her backyard.

neecie: in thought

valerie said she had an owwie on her nose, so my dad gave her a band-aid

gerbera daisy with bubble. damn, i’m good.

and what pretty helmet trip would be complete without humping tortoises?

my aunt, who looks obsurdely like my mom, and her twin daughters.

i was watching the morning news as i was getting ready for work. the chipper anchor began a story of a man with tuberculosis who was on an air france/atlanta flight in May and that hundreds of people could be infected. i took an air france/atlanta flight to birmingham on monday so you could imagine my histeria. i was poised for the news anchor to give all sorts of useful information such as where the flight was headed, what the flight number was, if i was going to drop dead at any moment. however, the story ended just as abruptly as it had started. i woke up kev “honey, i think i might be infected with TB!”. he rolled his eyes.

i checked though. i’m not dying. the flight that the TB man was on was on May 12th. whew! another bullet dodged! now i can go back to complaining about cramps, my weird psychosomatic gagging, and my lack of sleep.