i remember my very first cigarette. i can barely remember my first sexual experience, but i can picture exactly what i was wearing, what the weather was like when i took my first puff of nicotine. is that weird? i was 14 and had just started public school after nine sheltered years in the baptist-private school system. i wanted so much to shake off the overzealous religious skin that i had been covered with for so long. i did this by befriending a group of kids known as the “stoners”. they didn’t get stoned as far as i knew, they were more about kicking off and not taking authority too seriously. perfect. my best friend was april and she was as close to awesome as i could get at 14. it was outside Abe’s, our local suds and snacks, that april and jay lit up their cigarettes. april handed me hers and i uncerimoniously took a drag, as if i had been smoking since i was 3. i suddenly felt extremely dizzy and nauseaus and thought, “great, this is it. i’m going to fall down, vomit on myself and then die of embarrasment. i can’t wait for my parents to read that headline in the paper: Teenager Has Moment Of Stupidity, Soils Herself”.

i did not die. nor did i vomit on myself. but i did begin a habit that lasted for almost 15 years. six days ago i began Operation Stop Smoking (i’m laying claim to this little gem of alliteration, thank you very much) by taking a daily dose of Chantix and Blow Pops. with the encouragement of my family and friends i don’t see how i could fail. right? right! three days ago i stopped smoking completely. it has not been a fun three days, i’ll tell you that. the first two nights i have not been able to fall asleep and i toss and turn until finally i just wear myself out. and when i finally get to sleep the Chantix provides me with gorgeous dreams that absolutely freak my shit out when i wake up. i’ve dreamt of everything from full-leg tattoos featuring a 40’s pinup girl, to robin williams and sylar from Heroes inducting me into their cult, visiting jamaica and staying at a 4 star resort complete with an room under water with it’s own baby deer. see? completely bizarre!

i have faith though. i know i can do this. and really, it is not so much about quitting smoking for my health, but more to prove to myself how strong i am. i have been a slave so long to nicotine.

coming up tomorrow: What In The Hell That Smell?! : Renewing Your Five Senses Sans Cigarettes