i don’t know how to write this. i’ve tried every way i know how and i end up deleting the whole post except for the words “fuck”, “hell”, and “exhausted”. sadly those are the only words to describe what is going on. instead of writing something altruistic, i’m going to indulge my depression, because damn it! this is my site.

the week before christmas i was in the 5th week of pregnancy; something that overjoyed me, scared me, and made me want to vomit at the thought of cheese. what?! i know! during the week i began spotting: first rice-grain size pink streaks and then brown quarter sized spots. i was assured by my OB that this was completely normal, but was asked to come in just to check everything out. i had an ultrasound and we saw the gestational sack but no baby. again, completely normal because you cannot see the heartbeat until 7 weeks or so. sigh. they did a bunch of blood work to check my levels and promised to call the next day to report. pins and needles, people!

on friday the nurse practitioner called and relayed the results. my levels were severely low and i would probably miscarry over the weekend. try to relax and have a good christmas. uh, okaaay. i was a mess. not only did i have this impending doom of losing the baby that kev and i had lovingly made we got to do it during christmas. i couldn’t imagine a worse time. i immediately went home to bawl and wallow.

christmas eve came and i began to miscarry. and it was awful. words can’t describe how terrible it was. physically, emotionally, spiritually. i wanted to jump off the roof or throw myself into on coming traffic. anything but go through this. kev was wonderful. he is the epitome of the doting husband.

here it is new year’s eve and i’m a little better. i still tear up when i talk about it, but overall i’m optimistic and hopeful. our families has been tremendous and supportive. they wanted this baby as much as we did.

while sitting at a red light, you pull up next to me and your music is so loud it shakes my windows. when i look over to give you a nasty “you’re an asshole” sneer i notice there are two small children in your backseat. it is one thing to listen to that mess of words and bass you call “music” so loud that you go deaf, but it is quite another to subject your own children to it. i would love to hear that conversation at your pediatrician’s office:

doctor: “i’m curious as to why your son has 60% hearing loss in both ears”

parent: “well, it could be that i insist on matching the decibel level in my vehicle to that of an grenade blowing up in your face”

doctor: (looking around the office) “hm, now where did i put that “parent of the year” award?”

no one wants to listen to your shitty music. if i did, i’d download it off of itunes. and kev thinks i am kidding, but the next time someone drives through my neighborhood with their music turned up so loud i can hear it at the back of the house i swear to the baby jesus i will throw a very fat cat at their car. his claws are sharp, man.