i don’t know how to write this. i’ve tried every way i know how and i end up deleting the whole post except for the words “fuck”, “hell”, and “exhausted”. sadly those are the only words to describe what is going on. instead of writing something altruistic, i’m going to indulge my depression, because damn it! this is my site.

the week before christmas i was in the 5th week of pregnancy; something that overjoyed me, scared me, and made me want to vomit at the thought of cheese. what?! i know! during the week i began spotting: first rice-grain size pink streaks and then brown quarter sized spots. i was assured by my OB that this was completely normal, but was asked to come in just to check everything out. i had an ultrasound and we saw the gestational sack but no baby. again, completely normal because you cannot see the heartbeat until 7 weeks or so. sigh. they did a bunch of blood work to check my levels and promised to call the next day to report. pins and needles, people!

on friday the nurse practitioner called and relayed the results. my levels were severely low and i would probably miscarry over the weekend. try to relax and have a good christmas. uh, okaaay. i was a mess. not only did i have this impending doom of losing the baby that kev and i had lovingly made we got to do it during christmas. i couldn’t imagine a worse time. i immediately went home to bawl and wallow.

christmas eve came and i began to miscarry. and it was awful. words can’t describe how terrible it was. physically, emotionally, spiritually. i wanted to jump off the roof or throw myself into on coming traffic. anything but go through this. kev was wonderful. he is the epitome of the doting husband.

here it is new year’s eve and i’m a little better. i still tear up when i talk about it, but overall i’m optimistic and hopeful. our families has been tremendous and supportive. they wanted this baby as much as we did.