three days ago I received a letter in the mail to renew my domain subscription and I stood there just staring at the words “cancel” and “final notice” and “never more” and wondered where I should go from here. a month ago kev and I had a meaningful discussion about the future of Pretty Helmet. what it has accomplished for me as an outlet, my dwindling readership, my lack of motivation to sit and write every day, the highs and lows of having my face and my words out there floating around for people to take to heart or twist into something awful. I sometimes picture myself standing naked on a stage in front of an audience with bags over their faces. they can see me and point out my flaws, but I cannot see them and do the same.

with all these concerns churning in my overactive pregnant brain I made the decision that this has been therapeutic for me. as of today I have been one week and four days off of zoloft. the first time in six years I have not relied on medication to make me feel “normal”. I attribute this change to several factors: my aforementioned pregnancy, my devoted and loving husband, a handful of very patient friends and family, and Pretty Helmet.

there are some big things coming in the very near future, specifically the birth of The Manatee. I want to share this with you if you will let me. and I want you to share with me if you feel it necessary. we’ll be a big groping group of sharing.

then we’ll get liquored up, take advantage of each other and not call in the morning.

being pregnant has brought about the oddest series of comments from random strangers. and of all the people you would expect a little sympathy another pregnant woman completely blindsided me this weekend. kevin and i attended a football party at a friend’s house and i was introduced to a lovely blonde who was 21 weeks into her pregnancy. she inquired as to how far along i was and when i stated 16 weeks she told me “i’m more pregnant than you are”.

wait, did i walk into a gestation competition? will there be jello wrestling?

who in the hell says that? this isn’t a pissing contest. or in my case a i-haven’t-pooped-in-ten-days contest. when i brought up this woman’s comment to dmoney she said that the woman was probably just comparing the fact that her child is no longer a “manatee” and is more of an actual baby now. while this justification got me through the next hour of the evening i went home a stewed that it was still a completely inappropriate comment. even if this woman meant that her child is more developed than mine i have to reiterate that WHO THE FUCK CARES?! congratulations, you get to experience the miracle of childbirth five whole weeks before i do. they should give her a cookie, or a medal, or a swift punch in the tit.

and just for comparison purposes, this is the Manatee! at the time of this tete-a-tete:

and crazee ladee’s baby:

oh yes, i see the differences. while the Manatee! is still kind of skinny and would quickly be signed as a top runway model, her baby will be sitting at a fat camp snarfing cheetos and wondering why her mother is an unapologetic douchebag

i suck, i know! if blogging gave out citations for not blogging i’d be in prison for unpaid fines. but i have a good excuse. you’ll laugh when you hear the story. and then we’ll be best friends again only until i go another month without writing and then you’ll call me drunk and want to break up. (more…)

three things i love to talk about: farts, pooping and my hair. not in that particular order.
i was tired of having the sweat of death on the back of my neck in this alabama summer. and if the two people who are not from alabama read this, yes it is hot here. hotter than me talking about my bowel movements at a bar. i am sex personified.

my “jesus christ on a stick it is hot out here!” hairdo is courtesy of lisa at orbit salon. hi lisa! she made my head feel twenty pounds lighter and a thousand times cuter. atleast the girl at the stop-n-go said so.

and if by chance my hairdo isn’t your taste, here is a big, fat, squishy kitty. everyone loves thick pussy. now pull your mind out of the gutter.

i have felt better these past eight days than i have in a long time. i don’t know if it is the gorgeous weather, the fact that i haven’t been face down in the toilet, or that for the first time i have some sort of answer to what has been going on with my body. because, you know, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! and while i still have no definitive answer, just knowing that this is not all in my head is good enough for me. i’ve been through so much this year and have been beat down and am ready to know something other than my bedroom and the doc-in-a-box. i’m ready to start the family that we have so desperately wanted. i have two options: chew bubblegum or kick ass.

and i’m fresh out of bubblegum.

i’m already tired of 2008. after the miscarriage over the christmas holidays i was positive that 2008 was going to be nothing but a whole ton of awesome. i mean, surely life wouldn’t kick me in throat in the new year. certainly i was going to coast through the next couple of months while we waited until we could start trying for a baby again. oh silly girl.

this past week has been a lesson in patience. i’ve been down all week with a stomach virus that put me in the emergency room on thursday morning. i apparently passed out from dehydration and hit my head on the floor. they did a CT scan and though there was no concussion they did find an abnormality. they confirmed with a neurologist that i have what is called cerebellar tonsillar ectopia. go look it up if you’re interested, but basically it explains every problem i’ve had for a while. chronic headaches radiating from my back of my head, tension in my neck, fatigue, et al. they doctors at the ER referred me to a neurologist to confirm the diagnosis and to decide a course of action. i’m trying to stay optimistic. if it was life threatening then they would have admitted me, right? right.

so there you have it. i’m worn out. i am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

update
i forgot to add that this song is one of the things keeping me in a good mood and not putting me in a murderous rampage right now. good time to roll on.

Kings of Leon - King of the Rodeo

living in birmingham has its advantages: minimal traffic, decent restaurants, beautiful scenery; however, the people who work in the public sector of this little city make me wonder how they manage not to scrape their knuckles every time they walk. this week i went to the downtown courthouse to renew my vehicle tag. when i arrive i am the sixth person in line and there are three tellers at the counter. i think to myself “awesome, i’ll get out of here and still have time to stop at milo’s to grab a gut-busting 64 ounce sweet tea”.

there i go being all optimistic.

thirty minutes goes by and only two people in the line have been seen. at one point one of the tellers gets up, and takes her ipod over to two chatting employees. it is now high noon and the line swells to 15 more people. the teller who got up has looked at the line a couple of times but continues to gossip. and then she does something that completely amazes me, though it really shouldn’t have: she grabs her coat and goes on break! if i had a client in my office and just got up and went on break, my boss would string me up by my ears and then fire me.

several people see this and leave the line, but not me. i am determine to stay here and update my tag. i am a rock of resolve. i will stay in this line all afternoon if i have to! i am now the second person in line and i have been in this sweltering room for 45 minutes. my feet are starting to hurt from standing in a stationary position. the little old lady next to me is starting to sweat and takes out a hanky and wipes her forehead. i ask if she’s okay and she drawls “why yes deary, i’m just a little harried”. i wonder aloud “are they having to make the tags back there?”. the little old lady grins at me.

after another 15 minutes i finally make it to the front of the line and i hear “next!”. i let out a sigh of relief and the little old lady mumbles “about damn time”. i get up to the teller, renew my tag and hightail it out of there. elapsed time: one hour, 15 minutes.

now here is my question: at the busiest time of day why would you only have two tellers to handle a slew of customers? it makes no sense! where is their manager? it seems only rational that they would enforce a policy that during peak hours no less than three tellers be on the line. and the thing that really pisses me off is that while 20 people are standing there employees are coming and going through the door to god knows where. can’t they see that this is grossly inefficient? no, they turn a blind eye because it doesn’t involve them or it isn’t their job. these employees are so apathetic it is disturbing.

oh, and because i had spent my entire lunch break standing in line i didn’t get my sweet tea. bastards!

dear owner of safari cup,

congratulations, you’ve officially snagged the tile of utter douchebag. when i called this morning to politely inquire as to why flyers with YOUR COMPANY’S NAME were left on my tenant’s vehicles in a private parking deck you proceeded to yell at me for no reason whatsoever. first of all, asshat, you’re not winning any popularity contests or customers by yelling at someone who oversees a building in downtown with over 1500 potential customers. secondly, i was simply asking who i would speak to about said offense when you began screaming “don’t accuse me!”. last time i checked, inquiring is not accusing.

also, i’m not sure if you are aware but you are a small business owner in a part of the city where small businesses are lucky to stay open for longer than a year. alienating anyone regardless of who they are or what type of clientelle they can bring you is truly unwise. in fact, the last time i actually patronized your establishment during peak hours there was maybe three people in the facility and two of them were employees. so go ahead and have your haughty movie nights and overpriced store bought coffee, you’re presence is not doing anyone any favors. though i am a consumate advocate of the “little guy” i absolutely refuse to visit your place of business again. i would rather eat $12 nails at starbucks than ensure you made one red cent off of me.

again, congratulations on becoming a boil on the butt of this city. i think zimbabwe is missing their village idiot.

sincerely,
pretty helmet

i’m thinking of renaming this site Pretty Illness, because let’s face it people, i’m sick a lot. and it is not that i want to be, or that i am a hypochondriac, just that i am more susceptible to obtaining every malady within a four mile radius. right now in the “flu season” every single one of my friends and family has been hit hard with something and frankly i thought i had escaped it. see what i get for thinking?!

it all started on sunday with a sore throat. i thought that it was from the smoky atmosphere at speakeasy friday night, but when i woke up on monday morning with chills and phlegmy cough i knew i was in for a bad haul. around lunchtime on monday i was sweating profusely and was overcome with aching muscles. my sweet boss let me go home for the rest of the day to rest up. monday night was much worse. i had fitful sleep, and could not get comfortable no matter what position my body rolled in to. my core body temperature fluctuated between ten hells and two dammits to jesus h. christ please find me more blankets, it is a frozen tundra in here! the base of my neck and shoulders were so tense i felt knots in my skin. somewhere around 3:30 a.m. i managed to get into a hot bath to relieve the pain.

i went to the doc-in-a-box today for the fear that this was the flu. if it was i needed to inform my co-workers to get some preventative care. though the waiting room was packed and the receptionist had the compassion of a gilla monster i was in and out in 2 hours. the doctor and the nurses were especially kind even though they were all very tired. they were running on a skeleton crew as most of their staff were also out sick.

after putting a long stick up my nose and taking blood work the results came back to reveal mycoplasmosis a.k.a. walking pneumonia. i was sent home with antibiotics, some heavy duty cough syrup, and big ole steroid shot in my booty. i’m running on fumes right now, but actually feel a little better (even though the chills have not subsided). kev is taking good care of me and has intrusted my day care to cooper (sans nurse hat).

side note: my sister-in-law, kelly, delivered my new niece kendall ellison on monday via cesarean. i was not able to see either one of them due to my illness but kev told me that though she is 10 weeks early and only 2 pounds 14 ounces she is doing quite well. kelly will be in the hospital for a few more days and kendall will be in for several more weeks. this little girl has been long awaited and is quite a blessing. i can’t wait to see her.

alright you guys, i’ve actually done something with the one (yes, the only one) photo that i think is worth a crap. i’ve submitted it to jpg magazine for their 15th issue. if you love me at all (or don’t but think the photo is pretty) please please please click on the link below and vote for me.