i’m making some changes around here and you’re going to like it! prettyhelmet has become a child whose diaper needed to be changed 2 years ago. so you’ll see some graphic and style differences around here, but it’s still me.

UPDATE!
many thanks to rush over at the outernet for his help in php coding. i’m a picky bitch and you would not have noticed the things i had fixed anyway, but they were driving me crazy. and let’s be honest…i don’t need anymore reasons to be a nut.

give me a cd mix for christmas with some truly fantastic music that i haven’t stopped listening to since i opened the case. here is the breakdown of my favorites:

• like U crazy - mates of state. the husband wife duo have more chemistry than ginger and fred and their lyrics are like a wonderful dance through a smoke-filled bar. with piano and drums being their primary instruments it’s easy to get lost in the melodies. it’s simple and altruistic. and one day someone will tell me “i like you crazy” and i’ll melt into their arms. right after i pop a zoloft.
• ragoo - kings of leon. many people don’t know this but i will tell you innernets, because you’re my best friend: i hated kings of leon when i first heard their song “molly’s chambers”. it sounded like steven tyler spent too much time in hunting camp in georgia. in fact, when i went to see one of my favorite bands from nashville, the features, kings of leon were playing with them and made a point to high-tail it out of the bar. but “ragoo” is superb. it hits me in the heart with their line “here’s to the kids out there smoking in the streets/they’re way too young but I’m way too old to preach”. an anthem to knowing it all and not knowing enough.
• carnavas - silversun pickups. word to the wise, don’t read user reviews on itunes. the majority of the comments included comparison to the smashing pumpkins in their gish year. i don’t see it. what i do hear is a song that you want to drive to. drive all the way portland, oregon and start a dive bar. and then it opens up. the song, not the dive bar. the song doesn’t even crescendo, it just explodes. right into your ears and the next thing you know you’re smiling and you’re crossing the idaho/oregon state line.

those are my favorites. there are others that i have listened to incessantly, but not as much as these. i couldn’t have received this cd at a better time too. you could go and download these songs if you were so inclined but i would suggest in going the route i did: have darcia la rosa as your friend.

love you d. you’ve made 2008 a great start.

i don’t know how to write this. i’ve tried every way i know how and i end up deleting the whole post except for the words “fuck”, “hell”, and “exhausted”. sadly those are the only words to describe what is going on. instead of writing something altruistic, i’m going to indulge my depression, because damn it! this is my site.

the week before christmas i was in the 5th week of pregnancy; something that overjoyed me, scared me, and made me want to vomit at the thought of cheese. what?! i know! during the week i began spotting: first rice-grain size pink streaks and then brown quarter sized spots. i was assured by my OB that this was completely normal, but was asked to come in just to check everything out. i had an ultrasound and we saw the gestational sack but no baby. again, completely normal because you cannot see the heartbeat until 7 weeks or so. sigh. they did a bunch of blood work to check my levels and promised to call the next day to report. pins and needles, people!

on friday the nurse practitioner called and relayed the results. my levels were severely low and i would probably miscarry over the weekend. try to relax and have a good christmas. uh, okaaay. i was a mess. not only did i have this impending doom of losing the baby that kev and i had lovingly made we got to do it during christmas. i couldn’t imagine a worse time. i immediately went home to bawl and wallow.

christmas eve came and i began to miscarry. and it was awful. words can’t describe how terrible it was. physically, emotionally, spiritually. i wanted to jump off the roof or throw myself into on coming traffic. anything but go through this. kev was wonderful. he is the epitome of the doting husband.

here it is new year’s eve and i’m a little better. i still tear up when i talk about it, but overall i’m optimistic and hopeful. our families has been tremendous and supportive. they wanted this baby as much as we did.

while sitting at a red light, you pull up next to me and your music is so loud it shakes my windows. when i look over to give you a nasty “you’re an asshole” sneer i notice there are two small children in your backseat. it is one thing to listen to that mess of words and bass you call “music” so loud that you go deaf, but it is quite another to subject your own children to it. i would love to hear that conversation at your pediatrician’s office:

doctor: “i’m curious as to why your son has 60% hearing loss in both ears”

parent: “well, it could be that i insist on matching the decibel level in my vehicle to that of an grenade blowing up in your face”

doctor: (looking around the office) “hm, now where did i put that “parent of the year” award?”

no one wants to listen to your shitty music. if i did, i’d download it off of itunes. and kev thinks i am kidding, but the next time someone drives through my neighborhood with their music turned up so loud i can hear it at the back of the house i swear to the baby jesus i will throw a very fat cat at their car. his claws are sharp, man.

when i was 18 i made a life plan. most of it was a lot of gibberish about becoming some famous writer who lived in in a walk-up in downtown and made snide remarks about mountain brook women. i mean, who is an easier target than women who spend their entire day shopping the pottery barn catalog for furniture for their mudroom? the more attainable goals on my list were marry a man who adores me and laughs at my snide remarks regardless of how distasteful they may be, live in a historic home, and have my first child by the age of 30. i am two for three.

recently kevin and i have begun trying to expand our little family. we both have careers (albeit not as a writer as you can tell from this grammatical nightmare i call a blog) that we are settled in to. last december we purchased our dream home; a quaint 1930’s Craftsman Bungalow. now, a few months shy of our 3 year anniversary we have decided to add a small human to our household.

because i am obsessive and a crazee ladee i have researched, organized and all but gone out and bought one of those life-like dolls that simulate a real baby to prepare for this move in our lives. while it is a huge change i feel that we could not be more prepared emotionally, physically or financially. seeing my “godson”, sawyer, and interacting with him makes my uterus cry out “come on lady! you know you want one!”. and while i know that i will more than likely endure the morning sickness (because even now, weird smells make me gag uncontrollably) or the puffy feet and hands, i will embrace pregnancy for the miracle it is. besides, i’ve always felt my uterus to be nothing more than a styrofoam cup just waiting for a potato on toothpicks to hang around in.

several of my friends are pregnant at this very moment. i want that happiness. i want that psychotic neuroses (why yes, i do need one more, thank you) that comes with raising a child. i want to be a cool mom. one who wears converse and jeans that hug my curves instead of making my ass look like i took a dump several times. i want to see my child end up with my smile and kevin’s eyes. and maybe reese witherspoon’s nose. i want to teach my child how to walk, how to talk, how to clean out the air vents with a q-tip.

so there it is. we’re trying for a baby. it could take a month, it could take a year, but it will be worth the effort.

i am 10,592 days old today. go ahead and calculate that up. i’ll wait. what do you mean you don’t want to? you’ve never heard of a calculator? do you even have indoor plumbing?
fine, for you lazy asshats i am 29 years old today. 29 years ago my mom thrust me into this world via screaming and a cocktail of muscle relaxants and nerve blockers. 29 years later the screaming and mixing of narcotics has yet to cease. i kid! no seriously! my mom is a saint for which no comparison can be made (crosses fingers that i am not written out of the will).

for my birthday this year my wonderful, fantastic, super sexy husband got me something that will ensure that we don’t have sex in the near future:

The Dell Latitude D820 has had me curled up in its soft, 15.4 inch glow for the past week. it is a wonderful experience, having a laptop. listening to the hollow click-cleck-click of each tap of the keys is soothing. watching videos and buying obscure music online all in the comfort of my king sized, four poster Queen Anne bed. in the midst of passed out puppies and kitties i can blog more efficiently.

i can only hope that my 29th year will be as wonderful as my 28th.

it’s not very often that i get a compliment that makes me rejoice and do back flips. on friday night i have to say that i was rocking my hair do. kevin and i went to speakeasy to meet up with d-money. trey and karen were there (congrats, by the way you guys) and trey commented that i looked liked jenny lewis. if you don’t know who jenny lewis is here is a photo:

mmm, sweet hot.
now granted, my hair is not red, nor as long and curly as jenny’s but i do have the bangs and seductive nerdiness.
that might be an oxymoron.

also on friday night we met up with the huttons and some old friends from high school at club south. nathan peek (of the nathan peek band fame) reprised our old college days by singing karaoke. good times.

i remember my very first cigarette. i can barely remember my first sexual experience, but i can picture exactly what i was wearing, what the weather was like when i took my first puff of nicotine. is that weird? i was 14 and had just started public school after nine sheltered years in the baptist-private school system. i wanted so much to shake off the overzealous religious skin that i had been covered with for so long. i did this by befriending a group of kids known as the “stoners”. they didn’t get stoned as far as i knew, they were more about kicking off and not taking authority too seriously. perfect. my best friend was april and she was as close to awesome as i could get at 14. it was outside Abe’s, our local suds and snacks, that april and jay lit up their cigarettes. april handed me hers and i uncerimoniously took a drag, as if i had been smoking since i was 3. i suddenly felt extremely dizzy and nauseaus and thought, “great, this is it. i’m going to fall down, vomit on myself and then die of embarrasment. i can’t wait for my parents to read that headline in the paper: Teenager Has Moment Of Stupidity, Soils Herself”.

i did not die. nor did i vomit on myself. but i did begin a habit that lasted for almost 15 years. six days ago i began Operation Stop Smoking (i’m laying claim to this little gem of alliteration, thank you very much) by taking a daily dose of Chantix and Blow Pops. with the encouragement of my family and friends i don’t see how i could fail. right? right! three days ago i stopped smoking completely. it has not been a fun three days, i’ll tell you that. the first two nights i have not been able to fall asleep and i toss and turn until finally i just wear myself out. and when i finally get to sleep the Chantix provides me with gorgeous dreams that absolutely freak my shit out when i wake up. i’ve dreamt of everything from full-leg tattoos featuring a 40’s pinup girl, to robin williams and sylar from Heroes inducting me into their cult, visiting jamaica and staying at a 4 star resort complete with an room under water with it’s own baby deer. see? completely bizarre!

i have faith though. i know i can do this. and really, it is not so much about quitting smoking for my health, but more to prove to myself how strong i am. i have been a slave so long to nicotine.

coming up tomorrow: What In The Hell That Smell?! : Renewing Your Five Senses Sans Cigarettes

very few things make me cry. dogs being abused, lions reuntied with their handlers, kittens in baskets are among those that do. and death cab for cutie. most of you have heard of them by now since the release and mainstream radio play of Plans. but whilst lying in bed the other night a documentary came on telelvision named Drive Well, Sleep Carefully. that is all the description gave. because i was quite bored with the constant showing of girls gone wild: schenectady i decided to tune in. little did i know that this documentary featured death cab’s most recent tour of the US. i fell back in love with the band all over again. seeing ben gibbard sing “styrofoam plates” sent chills up my spine. maybe it was the fact that my week was pure shit, or maybe it was the cramps making my body ache, but i felt sadness. i felt that i had just lost someone or something that i would never get back and a small tear rolled down my cheek. even now and i write this i feel a bit reserved and tiny. such is this world. in all the times that i’m loud and boisterous and domineering, inside sits a small girl who is unsure of herself. there are so many things that skew what i used to enjoy. i used to love to watch thunderstorms come in, but now, because mollycate is terrified of loud noises, i am annoyed by them. my stomach knots when i hear that first roll of thunder for i know she will begin to bark incestantly and i will plead with her to lie down. i’ve become a creature of habit now and that is alright with me. songs from photo album used to depress me, and now they empower me. “wow, i remember how that felt” and “yes, that is the sound of settling, and it is all okay. settling isn’t as easy as it sounds”.
there are times i wish that i was what i thought i would be at nearly 29 but being who i am at 29 is not so scary. there are great things i am looking forward to. making this life was hard and arduous. i might not be as verbose as some of those around me, but i take solace that i am remaining true to myself.

i once read that the first rule of blogging is to not apologize for not blogging when away for an extended period of time. well, i don’t like rules. i live to break em’! yee fucking haw. i’ve been more or less uninspired to write out anything. i could tell you that i’m about a quarter of the way through the final harry potter book and when i sit down to read it i immediately get tired and want a nap. or i could tell you that lira has decided that our coffee table is an excellent source of nutrition. or maybe i could regale you in stories about how i desperately want to landscape my lawn but the heat here in the South is the equivalent of ten hells and two dammits. but, i shall not. instead i’ll bore you with the fact that in the first time in a long time i am happy. not giddy, jump out of bed in the mornings happy, just plain old content with life happy. my job, my marriage, my life is something that it hasn’t been in quite a while. i attribute a lot of this happiness to the recent reconnection with my aunt. she has become someone that i have been able to confide in. not because she is family but because she knows where i am coming from. she’s been down my road. hell, she constructed the traffic lights. you see, my family is nuts. full of alcoholics and piss and vinegar. we’re good people to have around in the event of a oktoberfest and or turf war. my aunt is no exception. she’s opinionated, funny, and very set in her ways. she is the kind of person that will tell you her opinion and you will pretty much agree with her. not because she is right, but because her conviction is so strong. when i was nine or ten she informed me that Johnson & Johnson tested their products on animals (or something to that effect. look, it was ten years ago. i can’t remember every little thing you memory nazis!) and i told my mom that i would no longer be party to using their products. i said to her “you can buy all the shampoo and soap from Johnson & Johnson that you want, but i’d rather bathe in boric acid”.

today, i’m a bit more mature and don’t take everything that someone tells me as the gospel, but when my aunt speaks i do tend to listen. no more than any of my other family, mind you, but she gets me. and that is more than i can say for a lot of people. she won’t sugar-coat. she’ll tell you straight up that you are being a complacent, douchebag and need to buck up because this is your life and it’s the only one you’re going to get. my aunt is aught-seven’s answer to julia sugarbaker.

so there it is. i’m a well adjusted person, living a fantastic life. i’m trying to stay positive and live in the here and now. tony robbins can eat my shit.