conversation heard while folding laundry last night:

me: here is a pair of your boxers.

kev: you thief!

me: you caught me…i just wanted to utilize the little hole in the front. and i emphasize little. (giggles maniacally)

kev: (scoffs) that’s it! i’m cutting you off from sex.

this is my obligatory new years post five days too late. why? you may ask. because, i’m a lazy sickly bitch who doesn’t want to do anything but curl up in her promethazine induced haze and watch Scrubs season two on dvd and lots and lots of law and order: criminal intent. so there.

i do, however want to share with you the highs and lows of 2005 that i experienced/learned from/won’t ever do again/would trade my dog to do all over. some things might make you laugh, some things might make you cry and some things might make you want to tackle me in a parking lot and drag me off to Bryce:

• re-discovered my love: yes, kev and i had trouble, most of you know this, however most of the trouble was me. i got scared and wanted to do what is so fucking natural to me and that is to bolt. was it not for the comforting arms of two of my favorite people on the planet, one shitty blues song played by an ex-hippie and the ambrosia of my life that is cheesey-bacon potatoes au gratin i probably would not have realized how childish i was being. i finally came to my senses, put my shit back together and worked my ass off to make my marriage work. i have always said i won’t get the “Wife Of The Year Award” but at this point i’ll be happy with the “Hey, Your Husband Worships The Ground You Walk On, You Stupid Witch, Get Your Shit Together Award”.
• lost: there is a time when you have to evaluate the people in your life. there is only so much that you can put up with until you decide “how is this person making me better? what do they bring to the table?”. for a couple of friends of mine, sadly i had to discontinue my relationships with them. it is not important who these people are or why i did it, the important thing is that i learned and respect myself much more having cut the ties with these people.
• & found: 2005 was filled to the brim with shitty friends but it was so much sweeter with the new friends i made. jennybean and i joke that even though her and kenn broke up she got kick ass friends like me and EJ out of it. if it wasn’t for jennybean i probably would not be as well adjusted as i am now. she has a unique way of telling you to get off your ass and do something about your life. also, she has an even more unique way of making you feel super-duper special even though you’ve just been fired from your job for the second time in six months by taking you to a bar and getting you drizunk.
  also, i met the coolest group of chicks since high school. dmoney, kelly, ashley, anita, amanda, randi and several others have made my hatred of the female species dwindle to almost nill. way to go girls!
• the sweetest thing: is the love of a houseful of animals. it is true that i will probably end up that crazy lady at the end of the block with all those dogs and cats, but who cares? if i can feed them, love them, and make them happy who am i to deny them? plus, its reeeeeeeeally awesome to have a big greyhound put her head on you chest and just sigh because she loves you so much. really it is.

there you have it. well, the most important stuff anyway.
i want to thank the following bloggers for making this all worthwhile:
rush - keeping it real in an uber geeky way. and for making an awesome “i don’t want to be at work” chat buddy.
ben - making me laugh and always showing up to blogger functions.
sarah - reminding me its okay to be smart, beautiful and extremely funny all in the same package. oh, and harry potter.
chris - giving me someone to make fun of for not staying out past 10:30 and just being the great guy you are.
vic - though you blog as rarely as a dormant herpes virus rears its ugly head i’m always interested in what you have to say especially when it comes to “the group” or noodle spiller. cause lets face it: he’s reeeeeally funny.
irish - see “vic”.
kenn - without you i would have never met kev and for that i am eternally grateful.
wade - your insights on the ‘ham have made me appreciate being a southern girl.
fatback - another reason to be happy to be southern, smart, snarky, sassy and sexy. gawd, look at all thos s’s.

happy new year everyone! love to you all!

kev and i had our first argument this morning. atleast i think it was an argument…does wanting to bawl your eyes out because your husband doesn’t find you attractive anymore count as an argument? its not so much that he thinks i am unattractive but the fact that i roped him into a situation where he did not placate me. HOW DARE HE! actually, i am more in the wrong because i took what he said to heart when i shouldn’t have.

in other news, i’m going to have to stop eating cheese. you must be thinking the world is ending…i certainly do. my stomach lately feels like i have a rock sitting in it. and sometimes that rock gets angry and rolls around causing me to double over in pain. the fact that i haven’t had a good poop in a while is not as disconcerting as the pain i have everyday. and to boot, i always feel hungry. what is up with that?

kev makes my life a little more bearable. without him i would have offed myself a long time ago. okay, not “offed” but i certainly would not be as happy as i am now. and the guy makes me laugh. hard. here is our conversation while he’s taking a bath this morning:

me: what are you reading?

kev: an article on creationism.

me: is that like “there is no god. everything just kind of came about?”

kev: kind of. this is about how man tamed the dinosaurs and rode them around like big ponies. it seems they’re making a theme park around this idea. kinda like jurassic park, but the dinosaurs are fake.

me: well thats no fun. i would want real dinosaurs.

kev: yeah, until one ate you.

me: not unless they were vegetors.

kev: vegators?!?

me: oh, um, i mean herbivors.

kev: vegator: the new arch-nemesis of He-Man!

i hate surprises. in fact, i utterly loathe and detest surprises. so, you can imagine how much fun i am around the holidays. woo hoo! kev mentioned earlier in the month that he bought me a surprise christmas gift (as opposed to the christmas gifts that we agree on, i.e. “hey, let’s get a new car for christmas!”) and because i am an ornery little heathen and he will not placate me and tell me what he got we struck a deal that everyday he would give me one hint as to what my gift is. kev is a crafty guy, believe you me. most of his hints have been in the same vague category as “it’s made out of molecules”. here is our conversation this morning:

me: “it’s time for my hint.”

kev: “wheel”

me: “thats the hint?!”

kev: giggling devishly, “yep”

me: “you suck at hinting.”

kev: “thats because i don’t want you to know what i got you.”

me: “good job”

kev: smiling devilishly

me: “i’ve got a hint for your christmas gift”

kev: “yeah? what is it?”

me: “two words: divorce papers”

a conversation between kev and i after this whore won america’s next top model:

kev: there are two things i lack from being on that show:
me: you don’t have a vagina…
kev: okay, three things

saturday night is “girls get the hell out of the house and drink mass quantities of alcohol and hit on the bartenders” night. also known as Girls Night. 8:30 p.m. my house. be there or be made fun of. we will most likely start off the evening prowling the good graces of carl at the barking kudu and drinking my new favorite drink “hot nutt”. oh yes, warm chocalatey goodnes. then it is anyone’s guess.

after the festivities we should all be sufficiently giddy and ready to go home to our husbands and boyfriends and do what the good lord intended. what?! i was talking about reading the bible! gawd! get your mind out of the gutter.

its gonna get icky in here for a moment so just bear with me. i want to tell you guys how awesome kev is, seriously, cos lord knows i don’t do it enough.
things i love/hate about kev:

• his smell - even when he hasn’t showered i want to roll up in that masculine, dorky smell
• he can do anything: wire the tv, hang blinds, console my silly ass
• he loves cats
• he loves my dogs
• he thinks i am hilarious
• he thinks i’m pretty
• the boy can cook
• those green eyes
• buddha belly yumminess
• the cutest butt in the metro area
• he lets me be the dorky, overbearing ‘tard that i am
• he embraces my dorky, overbearing, ‘tard ways
• “don’t think, just breathe”
• he is the best bed wrestler
• he plays with my hair
• my love for him is greater than anyone that i have ever loved
• he knows how much of a shithead i am and loves me anyway
• his taste in music
• when he sings in the car
• he has an odd past that makes him uber sexy
• he has more experience than i do
• he makes me laugh - and i mean, serious, gut busting laughing

i love you honeybears. always have, always will. i know i can be the world’s worst wife sometimes but you make everday worth living. oh good lord, i’m shedding a tear writing this…how fucking dorky can i get!

happy anniversary honey bears! we made it one whole year though it has been heart wrenching, psychotic, funny, loving, hugable, lickable, sweet, salty, and award worthy. we have said and done things to each other that neither one of us has meant but it has made our relationship that much stronger. we have been there for each other and held each other up.

i look forward to many more years with you.

-l.

scenes from a marriage:
(interior, kitchen)
i come moping in after just trying on my wedding gown.
me: it doesn’t fit anymore.
kev: it’s okay.
me: NO IT’S NOT! THIS IS DEPRESSING! i can’t believe that i’ve outgrown my wedding gown. when i wore it on our wedding day it was actually a little loose and now, it takes an act of god to get the damn zipper up.
kev: well, we can start working out again.
me: yeah, i guess. in the meantime i’m gonna eat a whole bowl of shells & cheese and drink a rootbeer.